so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
