i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
