i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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