How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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