i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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