This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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