my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
