I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
