well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
