I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
