I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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