Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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