Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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