last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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