saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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