Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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