Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
