I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
