Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
MIDGETS
????
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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