Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
