I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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