What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize