Your face is a jimmy john
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
