the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
