haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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