sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
