So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
