So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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