Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
