I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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