He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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