the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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