Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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