where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
