I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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