You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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