ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
