I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
