so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was CRYING into my vagina
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
