Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
