So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
