Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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