my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
