i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
