I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
