his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize