Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize