yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
