Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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