I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
