i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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