Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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