If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
