Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
