I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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