I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
