every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
