upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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