She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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