i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
