I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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